What If I Don’t Love My Partner?
My 20+ Year Journey with Relationship OCD (ROCD)
Disclaimer: this is our invitation for you to check in with yourself if you feel you are going into compulsive behavior with ROCD/RA content. If so, save this post for later when you’re not feeling compulsive. Please also note that each personal ROCD/RA story is different, which means, some parts may or may not resonate with you. As always, take what helps your heart, and leave the rest ❤️
by Manon ✨
(Awaken into Love Director, Relationship OCD (ROCD) sufferer for 20+ years, neurodivergent, in a 9-year relationship, with 2 step-children, 2 cats & 1 dog — she is offering 1:1 peer-support sessions, new spots open for April here)
For a long time, I had no idea what was happening to me. During the most nightmarish early episodes of ROCD (relationship OCD), I didn’t even know the word OCD; let alone that something like Relationship OCD existed.
That’s why I felt so grateful this weekend when I saw mainstream media slowly starting to talk about it (see this recent TIME article). There’s still a long way to go, but it matters.
Back in my teenage years, I had no language for mental health, no framework to understand myself. I was completely merged with my horrible thoughts, sensations, and compulsions. I didn’t observe them, I was them.
I spent over ten years in the dark, with no clue what was wrong. My young adult years were soaked in shame. I believed I was broken, morally wrong, with a constant hum of unease beneath every feeling (or absence of) and relationship.
From the outside, relationship OCD (ROCD) can sound superficial even childish:
“Is this the right person?”
“Do I really love my partner?”
From the inside, it’s brutal, consuming, and deeply misunderstood.
I’m sharing this to name something many people live in silence: relationship OCD is real and still widely misunderstood.
OCD didn’t start with relationships for me. As a child, I had already struggled with phobias, health anxiety, and intrusive fears: hurting others, losing control, doing something “wrong.”
ROCD (relationship OCD) fully emerged in my first relationship. I was fourteen, and we stayed together for over six years. When it ended, the patterns didn’t. They followed me into the next relationship in different forms: retroactive jealousy, checking, questioning, chasing certainty.
I replayed conversations, analyzed every feeling, googled my doubts, and sought reassurance from friends who didn’t understand, yet nothing ever felt resolved. I didn’t know it then, but I was caught in compulsions trying to find certainty where there wasn’t any.
The fears stayed the same, circling around the same intrusive thoughts — it felt so real:
– What if I don’t really love him?
– What if I’m lying to him and to myself?
– What if I’m attracted to someone else… and it means something?
– What if this feeling means the relationship is wrong?
Underneath it all: losing control, being a bad person, faking love, living with constant guilt and doubt.
Along the way, I hurt people I cared about. I’m not proud of that but it’s part of the reality. ROCD doesn’t always stay contained. It can spill over onto our loved ones, which can make it even more shame-inducing. I know that too well!
(A gentle reminder: your experience doesn’t have to mirror mine to be real or valid.)
Almost 10 years ago, when I met my current partner, the same patterns showed up. I was desperate. I was literally at the end of my rope. Losing hope of ever experiencing love or a relationship like others seem to
Until one day, I googled again and came across Awaken into Love youtube videos. I could barely speak English, but I worked hard to translate everything, and that’s when I had a realization: it was me.
I cried so many tears. And I opened up to my partner. We had just started dating. It was terrifying. I had no guarantee he would trust me, and I wasn’t even sure I believed it myself.
What if it’s not ROCD… but the truth for me? (You know the story.)
My partner was understandably confused and shaken, but he chose to trust me.
From there, healing wasn’t linear, far from it. I went through burnout, depression, and even physical illness. My body forced me to stop.
That’s when I began doing the work and joined the Awaken into Love course. Along the way, I tried therapy (CBT, ERP), medication, and unlearning years of patterns. Some things didn’t help. Some paths weren’t a good match. But slowly, things began to shift.
It’s not a fairy tale, and I don’t long for one anymore.
I’ve started to see love and relationships for what they really are: imperfect, messy, hard work, and at times… quite boring too. And I’m learning to be okay with that.
Today, I understand relationship OCD from the inside. And the thing I once believed made me broken has become part of how I support others.
And without glamorizing the suffering, I can say that in many ways, this journey has saved me, despite the pain I once believed I would never recover from.
And of course, my healing is still ongoing, learning what healing from ROCD actually looks like in real life to better help others. Because that’s what I wish I had all those years ago, sitting alone in my teenage room, hating myself.
If you recognize yourself in this, and if you’ve been battling doubts, intrusive thoughts, or that feeling that something is “off” in your relationship on your own, you’re not alone.
There’s a space inside Awaken into Love where you can speak about relationship OCD (ROCD) openly, without shame. I’m now part of the team leading it (which still feels a bit surreal, considering where I started!!)
If you’re ready to stop going through this alone, you’re warmly invited to join us.
→ You can join for free (click here)
With you,
Manon ✨
P.S. We read every reply, so if this stirred something in you, I’d love to hear from you <3
❤️ THANK YOU FOR YOUR SUPPORT OVER THE YEARS!
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Dear Manon, dear Awaken into Love Team, I look forward to your newsletter every week. It always makes me feel like I'm not alone.
I'm currently going through another difficult phase and am truly desperate at times. The physical pressure and the feeling of anxiety in my chest, in particular, dominate my daily life. My ROCD journey began 11 years ago when I moved in with my husband. This year marks 16 years together, and we now have three children. I can't imagine a better man, but I'm constantly plagued by terrible doubts and fears. It feels like a curse that simply prevents me from enjoying my beautiful life. There's just no peace or tranquility within me. Your work gives me hope, and I won't give up anything for my family! However, I find this uncertainty very difficult to bear, and during difficult times, I feel like I'm losing everything, and it hurts.
Warm regards, Anna